A Ventography!

Just two moms letting off some steam


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AUTISM: THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD

The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I’ve seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.

The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.

Many times I’ve been alone
And many times I’ve cried,
Anyway you’ll never know
The many ways I’ve tried.

And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don’t leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.

But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don’t keep me waiting here 
Lead me to your door.

-The Beatles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cUaO1P2mfo

Brody came into this world on a cold winter day, pure, like the white snow falling from the sky.

As his birthday looms on the horizon, mixed emotions play with my sanity. I steal a glance his direction and remember the happiness I felt the moment the doctor presented me with my beautiful baby boy.

But every year, around his birthday, I am gripped with uncontrollable fear. What happens when I’m gone?  Who will be his protector? Will he be taken advantage of? Will others love him the way I do? Will he be able to navigate the long and winding road without me?

I tend to focus on all the things I’ve done wrong, instead of what I’ve done right. Have I done enough?

I obsess about where I thought he’d be at this age, instead of looking at the gains he’s made.

I single-handedly create my angst. My feelings are deep-rooted and self-inflicted.  I am guilty of placing my preconceived expectations on Brody. I have unjustly compared him to others.

Why do I allow my inner demons to rob me of joy, spoiling my son’s celebration of life?

I wish I could stop second-guessing and over analyzing. Brody has come so far, but I greedily wish for more. This greed festers from the fear of the future unknown.

I once again look at his face, he smiles and my tears return. Tears created from love and fear. My heart pleads with him to “let me know the way.”  

And I wonder, does Brody know how…

“Many times I’ve been alone
And many times I’ve cried,
Anyway you’ll never know
The many ways I’ve tried.”

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