A Ventography!

Just two moms letting off some steam




Over the years, many questions have haunted me. How did Brody become a part of the statistics… the 1:88? Was it something I could have controlled? Because nobody knows the cause(s) of autism, parents are left to ponder a list of possible culprits.

What if…

  • I never had cerebral vasculitis (associated with autoimmune disease)
  • Tom (my husband) never had cancer and received chemotherapy and radiation the entire time I was pregnant
  • Months before Brody’s conception, Tom and I never received the vaccination for Lyme disease that was subsequently pulled off the market for safety concerns
  • We didn’t live in a state notorious for its high rate of autism
  • I had the benefit of knowing we were living in a house contaminated with black mold

What if Brody…

  • Didn’t have fetal distress, causing him to be delivered via c-section 3 weeks early
  • Wasn’t born with wet lungs and treated with antibiotics in the NICU, preventing him from nursing on the first day
  • Didn’t have jaundice for the first 2 weeks of his life
  • Didn’t have constant bouts of thrush
  • Didn’t have a documented adverse reaction to the DTP vaccine at 2 months of age
  • Didn’t get a strep infection when he was 3 months old
  • Didn’t require 3 different surgeries (hypospadias repair, tubes put in twice) under anesthesia
  • Didn’t knock himself unconscious at a year and a half old

What if…

  • I listened sooner to the clues his body was giving
  • I listened to my “mom intuition” instead of the pediatricians who told me everything was fine
  • I acted sooner

Did my son ever have a fighting chance?

The nagging what ifs are my constant companions because… I will never know if  it was one thing, two things or all the above, that played a role or contributed to Brody’s autism. I will probably never know what the tipping point was. Or… if and when he regressed. But, I do have my suspicions.

I also have regrets. One of them, is of time lost. Why didn’t I act upon “the autism” sooner. Was I blind or a visitor in the land of denial?

Did I miss the subtle clues because he was such a peaceful baby (the envy of all my mom friends)? The baby I could take anywhere, anytime and he would just go with the flow. I really was the luckiest mom in the world (and still am). But, was it because he was so easy, I possibly missed subtle hints of regression?

I realize now, I have to look at the past for clues to heal the present.

To be continued…


Author: A Ventography!

A Ventography is about: 1. Encouraging and empathizing with other parents on the autism spectrum. 2. Recycling and simplifying information on the latest autism news and health and diet tips. 3. Asking thought provoking questions designed to make us rethink what we've been told about autism. 4. Helping connect the dots that show, in some cases, autism is more than a brain disorder. 5. Challenging parents to rethink what they've been told, refuse the status quo, and escape the whirlwind of confusion.

8 thoughts on “A BAD CASE OF THE WHAT IFS

  1. “Was I blind or a visitor in the land of denial?” – I think we all have asked ourselves this question. I remember the thought that my David was so easy and go with the flow as well. He was the “perfect child.” With my oldest son CJ it seemedlike he was always sick! I see some similarities to your sons’ story and my oldest son CJ with PDD-NOS.

    – CJ had fetal distress – i had preeclampsia and toxemia when i was in labor (i had no problems at all with high blood pressure during pregnancy but on labor/delivery – poof! i was this walking deadly disorder) This caused me to have the mag (magnesium) & potocin to slow my labor, calm me, my body and the baby down & deliver 12 hours later. In that natural labor i had 4th degree tears and the doctor was mad that i wasn’t induced much earlier. I also received the epidural. – I wonder about all of this –

    – Cj also had jaundice for the first 2 weeks of his life.

    -CJ had a febril seizure at 3 weeks old from a fever spike at 103.8 – CJ was dx with reflux to the right kidney. We found that out because he got an infection which later turned out to be e-coli from the reflux. This cause him to be on antibiotics for the entire first year of his life until the kidney healed itself. A nurse from the RSV unit was called to do something with CJ and he didn’t gel in or gel out with hand sanitizer – from that, we took home RSV as well.

    – CJ had bouts with RSV, Bronchitis & had constant ear infections (almost every month) he lived on antibiotics & inhalers/breathing treatments.

    – CJ had constant bouts of thrush in his mouth or diaper rash with a yeast infection on his bottom from the constant antibiotics. He lived on Culturelle and Nystatin too.

    – CJ had bad fevers and flu like symptoms to the DTP & MMR vaccines – literally everything they said might happen to him, happened.


    • Wow… there are many similarities between CJ and Brody. It’s hard not wonder if our children would have different lives today if they had not had these health assaults. -Leah


  2. Hi, do either of u hv a twitter? Don’t c it listed anywhere. Thx:)


    • Unfortunately, no. We are still behind in the technology department and truthfully, not that familiar with how twitter works. Yes… this is embarrassing to admit. -L&M


  3. This is so timely….I just got a bad case of The What Ifs last night….I got to thinking about how if I had taken better care of myself during pregnancy, she wouldn’t have had any issues….everything from the early days makes sense now. Not necessarily helpful thoughts, but thoughts, nonetheless. Looking forward to hearing more of your story :). –Joy


  4. I don’t think you should beat yourself up too much over the what its. I know its hard – we all do it. But my son has autism too and NONE of your “what ifs” match ANY of mine. For me, it’s easier to stay in the here and now and do the best we can with what we do know and the things we can control and then hopefully the future will be better.


    • You are so right… it is important for parents not to beat themselves up too much. But is the past the key to unlocking the future? If we can fix past health assaults, can we regain our children’s well being and health? I do believe it’s possible. Thanks for sharing and reading. -Leah


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