Changes are happening in my house. Roles are shifting and I am unsure of my place or the direction the changes will take me.
Life continues to bustle around me, but I want it to stop…just for a brief moment.
I have grown too comfortable in the individual roles each family member has taken and I am not ready for a shake up in the family dynamics.
I need a little extra time to take a breath, make peace with the fact my children are growing up, exerting their individuality and my role of mom is being transformed.
I feel like a kite in the wind that has been pulled from the security of an owners hand. I am now flying uncontrolled through the air, destination unknown. I fear the unknown and I am just not ready to face the winds of change.
My oldest son is about to leave the nest and start a new life as a college freshman. My middle son is close behind, embracing his sports and high school life. I am frightened that my children will no longer be under my roof, and somewhat under my control.
I am now closer to 50 than 40. The reflection I see in the mirror does not always please me…wrinkles, sagging skin and grey hairs.
And then there is Brody. Brody, my naughty little caterpillar emerging from his cocoon… knocking on the door of puberty.
So what exactly is my issue? What is at the root of my angst?
Is it the loss of control?
Is it that my children are happily cutting their umbilical cords, becoming independent?
Is it the loss of my youth?
To be honest I think it boils down to … autism and puberty. It scares me.
What is in store for me, for Brody?
Puberty with the first two boys came and went. Not much fan fare or hoopla. There were no worries of privacy or inappropriateness. Girl crushes, the first broken heart, peer pressure were just part of the process. We rolled with the punches.
Will “the process” be the same for Brody? Will he have the same experiences? Or will he be unfairly judged, ridiculed, and made fun of as he attempts to find his way through the ugly jungle of adolescence?
We all know what a difficult time it can be muddling through the new rules adolescence brings…especially if you are so-called “different.”
I can’t keep him confined in my tight grasp forever. But can I let go?
It is time to embrace the winds of change. Face my fears.
I can not change change or control what is happening. I am only capable of doing what I can.
I give myself permission to allow the wind to take me to new places…unknown. To dance among the clouds.
I am a kite in the wind.